Helping the kids to cope emotionally

Moving to a foreign country for a few years can be daunting thought, and especially more so for children as they don't quiet understand the concept completely until you've actually arrived and have been here for some time. Then the adventure and holiday wears off and the reality kicks in and they don't always know how to handle certain situations.

(Photo source: www.blogs.angloinfo.com)

If I had written this post a month after arriving here, it would be a very depressing, very sad post and that would not have helped anyone at all. So now, after being here for nearly 6 months, I can guide you through some of our ups and downs with our two girls and how they each coped differently to the move.

Firstly, let me explain that Bubs is 3 and Poppit is 8. And they each had completely different emotional experiences in the move here and in settling down. And, as children are all different emotionally, you may be able to relate to only part of this as your child/ren might experience different feelings.

From the moment we decided to come to Malaysia, we talked things over with both girls. We showed them photos and videos and we looked up all the things that we could do here on the Internet. We tried to make it seem like an adventure. When our furniture was packed up and we were sleeping on the blow-up mattresses on the floor, we let Bubs sleep in Poppit's bedroom with her. This helped them both as they were together and they seemed happier being closer.

We also made the trip to the airport and flying out an adventure too. We asked our friends and family not to come to say goodbye at the airport as we were concerned about emotions and I didn't want the girls to see the "sad" part of leaving.

So fast forward 6 months and we are at this stage:

Bubs - Age 3:
This was her first international flight and she coped fairly well. Although the excitement was just too much, she eventually fell asleep a few hours into the flight and I could get a few winks too. By the time we had connected through Singapore and arrived in KL, sorted things out with the agents and house owner and been to the shops to get a few essentials, Bubs was completely finished and promptly passed out on the cold, tiled floor at 5pm. Bright eyed and bushy tailed again at 3am due to jetlag, she and I sat in the lounge watching Barbie movies. There is unfortunately nothing you can do to make a 3 year old go back to sleep so it was a moment of insanity for the both of us. Thank goodness it only lasted the one night and by the next evening she was back into the swing of things.

Hubcap started work 2 days after arriving and the girls were due to start school 4 weeks later, it became apparent that the girls were super bored. With not knowing anyone here, we were all bored and homesick and had lots and lots of cabin-fever. With me and the two girls bouncing around an empty house all day long, there were moments I felt like giving up. But apart from that, we did manage to find a few playgrounds and activities for some mornings.

With the excitement and anxiety perhaps of the move, Bubs started having toilet accidents almost constantly and it has only recently got better, say, around 5 months of being here. She also gets very hot and bothered and becomes winy and lethargic due to the heat. So, we manage it by doing activities or sight seeing in the morning and home at lunch time before the severe crankiness sets in and makes us all grumpy. I never plan more than 1 activity per day now.

Settling into school was not too bad for Bubs. She's been going to school/day care since she was 7 months old so she knows the drill by now. I was impressed at how well she adjusted to wearing a uniform and she manages to get it on most mornings now without an argument. Although I must say that she is still a "Saffa" at heart as she has a habit of taking her shoes off after class and running around the school barefoot, which causes much confusion with other parents. I'm at the point now where I just leave her to do it and I ignore the stares of horror from other people.

Must just add that I was phoned by the school nurse about 5 hours into the first day at school to say that Bubs had vomited and I was to fetch her immediately. Turned out that she was so confused and disorientated after waking up from her nap time that she made herself so upset that she vomited all over her teacher. (Great first impression, I know!) At the end of the day, they are still small people and they will have wobblies for the first 4 - 6 weeks of starting school. I try to take things in my stride as best as possible. 

She still sleeps in Poppit's room now and although she has her own bedroom, she just feels more comforted being with big sister. Luckily big sister doesn't mind (for now).

Otherwise it seems that it was easier for Bubs to settle as she is smaller and as long as mom, dad and big sister are together then we'll be okay. And every so often we try to take her somewhere for an energy release, like riding bikes in the park.

Now, Poppit's emotional settling was another story all together:

Poppit, Age 8:
From the minute we told her about our move to Malaysia, I could see the cogs turning over at lightning speed in her brain. She's not a very verbal child who talks before thinking, so I could see she took a while to process the information.

Making the move seem like an adventure definitely helped all of us. And Poppit was so brave and never once showed any form of sadness before we left. She was also a star on the plane and settled down to her movie and dinner with ease, even wearing the eye mask for sleeping.

After Dad started work however, the wheels started to come off for Poppit: The adventure and holiday was over and now she was frustrated stuck here with Mom and little sister. She started asking about her friends in South Africa and started acting out due to boredom.

As I mentioned above, those 4 weeks before school started were hell for all of us. I tried really hard to summon the fairies of patience, but some days I just ran out of the stuff, ending up in a pile of tears on the floor when both kids were acting out. Screaming and shouting do not work and as much as you need to be calm and understanding with them, one shouting session sends you back down the ladder of emotional progress.

When school finally did start, she was placed into Year 4 due to her age. After a few weeks we could see she was unhappy and slowly started to withdraw into herself. Now Poppit is a shy, quiet child, but we noticed a drastic change in her general happiness. Root of the problem was that Year 4 was just too much - school work was far more advanced than back in SA and she was battling to grasp the concepts and complete work, and she could also not relate to her peers in class on an emotional level.
The crunch for me was when she said that she spends break time reading books on her own in the library as she doesn't have friends in class. My heart broke into pieces. This was my happy little giggling girl, who had a lovely group of friends back home and was doing well at school - what have we done?

I tried talking to Poppit about things but she's not great at expressing her true feelings so I also gave her a journal to write or draw in the evening before bed. The journal seemed to help as it offered her a way to escape. She would often draw pictures or write things down. I also used to find tiny, folded up letters to her friends back home. We're still working on the anxiety at night time before bed. This is a time when she really starts to feel sad, but we've been trying to talk things through. I also read that it's important to acknowledge your child feeling sad or alone and to tell them that it's okay to feel this way and how we can, together, work through the feeling. It's a work in progress still. One day at a time.

Okay, so fast forward a few weeks and together with the help of the teachers and support staff at school Poppit was placed back a year into Year 3 and was put into a class with a broader range of nationalities and a fantastic teacher, who is also a new expat here and also has 2 girls. Yay!
Poppit slowly returned to her normal, jolly self and has now made some friends. (Yay, happy dance!) She's even had a few play dates and I'm starting to meet the moms from her class who seem very nice and welcoming. She's also improving on her work and seems to be doing well. She still needs support work every week to catch up but is working hard and I'm starting to see that we'll be okay.

I think at the end of the day, every child copes differently to moving abroad and you just never know how they will cope until you actually move. I've received some excellent hints and tips from various teachers and other moms on how to help kids cope: (Again, these are suggestions and hints from a broad variety of parents who's experiences may be different than your own):

1. Don't go home for the first year. Some have said that it is too soon to go home as it makes them realise what they've missed and then you need to start over again when the holiday is over.

2. Call your house your home. It doesn't matter that you'll only be here for a short period of time. Let the kiddies know that this is home now. Try to make your home a more personal space, even if you don't have your own furniture. Put family pics up on the walls and help them to choose scatter cushions for the couch or their own placemats for the dinner table. Bubs insisted that I print out a certain family photo and she stuck it on her bedroom wall.

3. Don't buy them toys just to make up for them feeling crap. Yup, this is one that most parents have done.

4. Have weekly Skype calls to close friends and family. This has helped everyone and it's a good way for children to see that people do miss them and that they are only a phone call away.

5. Keep the routine. Ja, it's going to be wobbly for the first bit but keep the routines. It's what they know. Night time routines, bath routines, even hobbies that they know. Poppit loved her horse riding lessons back home, so we found her a school here where she continues to ride.

6. Talk to your child's teacher. If your child/ren are attending an International school, then there's a good chance that many of the teachers will be expats too. They will offer advice as they know what you're going through.

7. Get involved in your child's school. Become a class mom or get involved in school activities. Arrange a coffee morning at a nearby coffee shop to meet some of the other moms. By meeting the other parents in your child's class you can start making your own friends and then arrange play dates and coffee mornings. Playdates seem to help kids and parents alike.

8. Plan outings as a family. Look for interesting local attractions and try to make it an adventure of discovering new places. Give the kids a choice of places to visit and let them choose one, putting them in charge and making them feel like an important part of the family.

9. Accept that the school academic level in your new country might be different to that of your home. As mentioned above, it was only until Poppit started school here that we saw how big the education gap was between here and SA. Be open minded to the idea that your child might have to ' repeat' a certain year. Remember that the International schooling standards are higher in general so talk to the teachers and make decisions based on your child's ability.

10. And lastly, stop feeling guilty! We put our children's happiness ahead of our own most of the time and that leaves nothing for us. A few people have told me that the kids adapt and settle quicker than us adults - average of 4 months for a child to settle, whereas adults are at an average of 6 months.
Take things one day at a time, and know that if everything falls apart emotionally today, tomorrow will be a fresh new start.



More helpful advice from the websites below:


http://expat-kids.com/news/education-abroad/child-adapt-new-school-abroad


http://www.europeanmama.com/8-ways-help-children-adjust-new-country/


http://www.expatarrivals.com/article/tips-to-help-children-cope-with-moving-to-another-country



Until next time

Claire X

Grocery shopping

Finding western food stuffs isn't as hard as you'd initially think.
Here's a brief list of various grocers around town. Most of them sell imported food stuffs mainly from Europe, UK and USA.

1. Tesco

The Tesco Extra I go to is the one next to the Curve in Mutiara Damansara. You won't find too many imported food items but it's good for bulk dry goods like sugar and coffee and water etc. They also have a wine and liquor section, although small. Have a look at www.tesco.com.my to find your nearest store.

2. Ben's Independant Grocer/BIG:

Walking into this store for the first time, I was so happy I could have done a little "happy dance" right there in the store. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you see food stuffs that you know. They have lots of imported foods and a good wine selection. They also have our Ceres fruit juices from South Africa. Have a look at www.thebiggroup.co/bgfs. Located in the Publika shopping mall.

3. The Village Grocer:

This is where I have been doing most of my shopping as it is close to home and parking is relatively good. They have one located in Sunway Giza Mall, Bangsar and Mont Kiara.
They have a large organic section and their fruit and veg always look nice. I can get basically everything here that I need, including a non-halal/pork section (remember to pay for pork separately at the section before checking out). Also has a small bakery and wine and beer section.

4.Cold Storage:

Cold Storage is a bit bigger than Village Grocer and you'll find more imported products here. I found Rusks, Bakers Biscuits, Ina Paarman's range of sauces and spices, Simba chips and Nik Naks at the one in IPC shopping centre next to Ikea.

I'm still looking for boerewors though......or I might have to try making it myself!

At the end of the day, don't go to Tesco first. If you've just arrived in KL and in need of some familiarity then look at Village Grocer, Cold Storage or BIG.

Also to mention, they don't charge for plastic packets and after a month and a half here I have a collection of bags that fills two cupboards. Now I re-use them when I go to the shops.

I also keep a cooler bag in my boot. This is especially helpful when you've just bought chicken and ice-cream and get stuck in a traffic jam on your way home.....melt melt melt!

Happy shopping everyone!

Sea and air freight and lots of courage

We arrived in KL about a week ago and I'll update everyone on the initial system shock to all of us when we arrived. But first I thought to tell you about the packing of our lifetime objects and household goods.

We initially wanted our sea freight to be packed around end June so that we would have our stuff by the time we arrived in KL. But because the work visa was taking longer than expected, this was pushed forward to being packed and collected 2 days before we left. Oh boy! What a pain this was.

So note to self  and others - Transport companies and Malaysian authorities need passport copy and work visa/permit and lots of other paperwork before they will pack and ship. Ask questions is what I can say.

I was requested to compile an inventory of all our sea freight and air freight for Hubcap's company as they were doing the insurance. This helped me a lot when it came time to pack up as I had a list, room by room, of all items going with. Even if you don't need an inventory, it's a good thing to do anyway so that you always have a list of what you own. And I included serial numbers of all electronics and appliances and ISBN numbers of some precious books.

We used Biddulphs removals for our shipments and will let you all know how it went when we get our precious cargo in September. The packing guys were excellent. We only had 3 guys with us and they were friendly and unobtrusive. They started downstairs and only went upstairs to the bedrooms on the 2nd day. They then took items downstairs to pack so they were not in our 'private' space in the bedrooms.

All packed up - A whole life in boxes and cartons.

Some handy tips that might help you:

1. Inventory of everything.
It sounds like a pain in the arse, but it's worth it and makes planning and organizing much easier. While you are compiling your inventory, pack away/in boxes/separate cupboards the items that you will not need in between inventory and packing.

2. Separate items.
Start separating items that will be packed. When I was doing the kitchen inventory, I got my mom to help. I started in one cupboard and only packed what was going back into the cupboard. I allocated my pantry cupboard for items not going. Then I could seal it off when packers were here instead of telling them not to pack certain things.
I also bagged the smaller items together. This made it easier to keep all the stuff together.

3. Keep an open diary for 2 weeks and 2 weekends before your packing starts:
This is what I didn't do. I was 'balls to the walls' for weeks beforehand, and it was a BIG BIG mistake as I left out so many things and had to leave so much behind as our air-freight was packed before our suitcases. If your kids are at home, get a baby-sitter/Nanny or neighbour to help. Or bribe a Granny or Aunty to keep them for a few hours so you can concentrate.

4. Pack your luggage BEFORE your air-freight boxes:
Aah, the joy of hindsight hey - again I didn't do this and left the packing of our luggage to the last minute before we left. I had to leave so much behind and now I'm kicking myself.
So, pack your luggage before your air-freight leaves. This way you'll know what doesn't fit and you can pack it into air-freight.

The "Pep Stores Sakkie" is a great way to take soft items with you. I used mine for the vacuum packed pillows, some clothes, blankets and I wrapped these around the car booster seat. Don't worry about locks, I had all my luggage plastic wrapped at the airport - a must for anyone travelling to Malaysia.

All our luggage ready to check in. Plastic wrap all your check-in luggage to be on the safe side when travelling to Malaysia or Asia. If plastic has been opened on the other side call security immediately and don't touch your bag.

5. What not to take with sea-freight:
Malaysia is very strict when it comes to food stuffs and wine, so we decided not to take any food stuffs with us. Didn't want the hassle of entire container being searched if we declared it.
Also, you can't take any liquids with.
And remove batteries from all appliances, clocks and remote controls. It gets very hot and very cold in the container so batteries could leak all over your stuff. I removed them all and bagged them seperately.
You can take wine with but you will have to pay heavy, heavy duties on it.

Candles also melt in the container due to heat so I packed all of mine into a cooler bag before it was packed in boxes - let you know if it worked.

I also had to compile a detailed inventory of all DVD's and videos - name, duration, actors etc. I think this is to prevent porn as they are seriously strict with it.

So now I sit and wait for our beloved furniture and household contents to arrive this side.
I'm going to be very happy to see my bed.
Let you all know how it is when it arrives in a few weeks.

Until then
XXX
Claire

The count-down to departure

It's been fun, exciting, frustrating, nerve wracking, worrisome and I'm feeling like a headless chicken right now.
Just under 3 weeks until we leave for KL and still so much to do.

Firstly, you need to plan early if you are wanting to take your furniture and household goods with you. I was fully prepared for Biddulphs to start packing only to be told 24 hours before the time that they could not as we needed Hubcap's work permit........argh!

So our furniture now leaves the day before we do. Not what I had planned at all, considering we'll be squatters in our house in KL for 6 - 8 weeks. But we've got the blow-up mattresses, vacuum packed pillows and a swimming pool so we should be fine. ( I hope!)

We decided not to go into a hotel/furnished apartment until our furniture arrives as I don't want too many moves for the girls. At least we'll be in the house and they'll have a garden and pool to keep them entertained.

Secondly, we have 200kg of air-freight allowed to us. Thank goodness! It will arrive the week after us and I'm packing clothes, towels, an iron, sewing kit, TV and DVD machine. I'll give you all some suggestions once we're there and I've worked out what I should've taken versus what I did.

One of the good things that I did do was write up an inventory for our entire household content that's being transported by sea freight. This was a requirement from Hubcap's company but it's good to have for future moves and although it took forever to get values and prices of our items it was worth it in the end. Also gives me a chance to clear out old stuff at the same time.

So now we sit in a house where I've separated items into piles and boxes in every room and pictures have been taken down where I'm painting walls. All a bit chaotic right now so no visitors allowed.

Then I must tell you about getting the girls' unabridged birth certificates - yes, You've heard all the chaos surrounding this issue. I applied at the Centurion Home Affairs in March as they have a 3-month waiting period. (And it almost feels like you stand in the waiting line for 3 months just to apply).
Anyway, I received one birth certificate - whoopy.......and they couldn't find the other.........seriously!
Applied for both together on same day and they muck up one of them? So I phoned the Home Affairs helpline to open a case for the missing certificate - 080 060 1190. I was pleasantly surprised at how well-spoken and helpful the telephone operator was. Anyway, then I had to go back to Home Affairs in Centurion and fill out 2 x forms and wait in line (again). They had to then fax these forms to the Head Office but I waited for them to give me proof that they did. And whoopy......3 hours later I got the sms to say it was ready for collection.......so back again to stand for another 3 hours in the line.
But at least I've got these two little pieces of paper that say my children can leave the country.

Oh yes and before I go, I've been told to get the Japanese Encephalitis vaccination for all of us. So I've made an enquiry with our clinic sister and will update you all on this in a while.

Until next time (If I'm still alive)

Claire XXX

House hunting

One of the most important things for us to cross off our list, besides the schooling, was to find a house. We had scheduled 3 days of house hunting but I had done some research beforehand to make it easier.

Firstly, I looked on google maps to see where Hubcap's office will be in KL. Then I bookmarked that as well as the school. I then scoured the web looking for rentals in the areas between the two.
Sounds easy?

We had a few requirements of our own, like number of bedrooms, swimming pool and location within a gated estate/community. Not to forget pet friendly, as we want to bring our dog with too.

We sent the agent some examples that we found on local websites beforehand, and we gave her a list of our needs.

Once we were on the road with Joyce our search began and she had lined up about 8 properties for us to see.

To make a long story short, we wanted a small house, although they're called bungalows or villas in Malaysia. As it turns out, there is no such thing as a small, 4 bedroom house with a pool in a gated community. The houses are very big and very opulent, so we settled on a 6 bedroom mansion (in South African standards). At least now we have space for visitors to stay in comfort. The private pool was the crunch of our property requirements. Our girls are both swimmers and it just makes life a bit easier when you have a pool at your home, instead of packing up and heading out to the public or communal pool. And considering the weather is what it is, we'll be using it every day of the year.

These websites helped me in getting a better idea of what is out there:

http://www.iproperty.com.my/

http://www.propertyguru.com.my/

What I also did, was print out a map (Google) which had the office and school bookmarked. Then every property we saw, I asked Joyce to indicate it on my map for me. This gave me a better idea of where we were in relation to school and work and my internal navigation felt better.

To get an idea of the suburbs/areas in Kuala Lumpur you can have a look at this page:

http://www.expatarrivals.com/malaysia/kuala-lumpur/areas-and-suburbs-in-kuala-lumpur

I must mention that most of the houses we saw had a maid's room and bathroom. Usually situated next to the kitchen. Although these rooms are tiny and without a window. I won't have a live-in helper so I'm going to use that room for storage.


The properties for rental usually come with a microwave, washing machine, dryer and dishwasher and fridge, so it makes it a little easier when thinking of schlepping your appliances over.

Also, you'll need to check if garden service and/or pool service is included in rental. This can be an expensive excercise around MYR300 per month each. And they only cut the grass once a month as it's slow growing. Quite funny for me to hear this as we usually cut ours in South Africa twice weekly.

And last but not least Traffic will be a problem. At the time of our visit there was lots of construction going on in many parts of the areas we saw. And the traffic is horrible. So do yourself a favour and look for housing close to school and work. Or otherwise learn the art of patience.

Think that's all for now

Until next time

Claire X

Eating, shopping and more eating

Eating & Shopping.......2 things that the Malaysians do very, very, very often.
I've read blogs about the Malaysians and their love of food but I had to see it to believe it.
And yes, they eat often and there is a restaurant, deli, food stall or take-out around every corner, literally.

One of the places we went out to was Fuego Bar and Pub at the Troika Towers. It's a smallish place but with a lot of atmosphere. Over looking the Petronas Towers, my eyes happy to see guacamole and a range of lekka dishes in front of me.

With it being on floor 23A, we had a spectacular view of the Petronas Towers at night.

http://www.timeout.com/kuala-lumpur/restaurants-and-cafes/fuego

While we were house hunting, our agent made sure to point out most of the big shopping centres around town. They average about 8 or so stories high and heaven knows how I am ever going to get through them all.

While Hubcap was in meetings at work I wandered over the road to the NuSentral shopping centre.
Just a walk through the train station terminal and into the centre. Approximately 7 stories high filled with local and international brands.......and we even found a Nando's (Viva South Africa!)

www.nusentral.com

I also found myself browsing the isles at Sam's Groceria on the Lower Ground Floor. It gave me a chance to see what food stuffs and groceries can be found here as I had not yet found a supermarket/grocery store. For South African's it's almost like a small Pick 'n Pay or a Spar, and they have most of the usual food stuffs that we have back home. There's also a great deli and fresh foods and fruit section.

Hubcap and I also had dinner at NuSentral on one of our nights and went to The Manhattan Fish Market.  Although it was a Wednesday night, most of the restaurants were full, which is a strange sight coming from South Africa where Friday and Saturday are the busiest.

So I'll be watching my waistline as it's all so tempting! But then again, if I eat too much I can justify shopping for hours on end to work off the food.

Until next time

Claire X

First impressions

We've just returned home after our 1-week trip to Kuala Lumpur for our Look and See.

I'll be posting separately for housing, school and other items of interest.

Firstly, Hubcap and me went without the girls. Worried that they would not cope with the time change and hectic schedule planned in such a short period of time, we were right to do so.

I've never been to Malaysia, let alone Asia, so I had no idea of what to expect. But I left here with an open mind and a partly empty suitcase in  case I needed shopping of course.

We flew via Abu Dhabi to KL, taking us about 25 hours to get there. It was a long haul so will need to look at better routes for August when we move. A route via Singapore looks better in terms of travel times.

Anyways, our driver picked us up at the airport and walking out we definitely felt the humidity and heat. It was almost like a giant hug for us coming from colder Autumn in South Africa.
Jerseys peeled off as we headed into KL central on the highway.

Firstly, you notice how green and lush it is there. Even though we come from a sub-tropical climate here, it's just so much greener there. And we got a few sprinkles of rain on our welcome to the city, a good luck message in South African culture.

Driving on the highway into the city was not so bad. It wasn't rush hour though so I suppose that's a different story all together. We noticed that drivers seldom use their indicators and the hundreds of scooters seem to be a law unto themselves.

And good news for South Africans who have just been thrown into the turmoils of paying for toll routes in Gauteng - there are tolls on the highways there too. Had to have a laugh at that one.
And they have e-tags too.

So off we went to our hotel right next to the KL sentral train station. Great views of part of the city and our journey of discovery, meetings and house hunting began.

Next installment to follow soon

xxx Claire